For the month of August we'll be exploring families specifically generational trauma within families. As we know from child developmental psychology courses in college is that the first few years of life for a child is crucial because those years are the genesis of what the child will likely turn out to be as an adult. We know that a secure attachment relationship for a child is when the child has healthy boundaries, gets frantic when the caregiver is gone but can be consoled and engage with environment. When the caregiver returns the child embraces him or her. We know that a child who has an insecure relationship attachment will develop anxiety even in safe situations when their caregiver is present. These tend to be the clingy children who have meltdowns when the caregiver leaves and upon return the child acts ambivalent. We know an avoidant/dismissive attachment relationship is when a child will avoid or ignore the caregiver. The child acts stoic when the caregiver leaves and has little emotions to show when the caregiver returns.
As adults we strive to have secure relationships with our children however the circumstances of them coming into the world but unfortunately at times we drop the ball. In the case of a child who grows up without both parent the parent that's absent especially by chose leaves the child to have either insecure relationships or avoidant/dismissive relationships where they chose mates that they want to fill in the role the absent parent didn't or their self worth stems from them the mates existence in their lives. These two people may appear polar opposites but in actuality they are different sides of the same coin. As Black women we know the single mother rates in the Black community is well over 70% which means more times than not their isn't a father figure in our lives. So this leaves us vulnerable to be preyed upon or to harden our demeanor. Since children raised without fathers have the highest chance of being sexually abused, becoming high school dropouts, becoming teen parents we get the message early that our experience will be harder. So we do one of two things; search for daddy in all the wrong places because we never had a blueprint of what an actual daddy is outside of television which is scripted or we develop independence.
Don't get me wrong, independence is a good thing. Being clingy and needy invites toxic parasitic people to prey on your insecurities i.e. girl number one but being too indecent doesn't leave room for you to have support. As the old saying goes no (wo)man is an island. Meaning no person can do everything on their own and when you develop the mindset that you can do everything on your own you break down easily. You are constantly in survival mode neglecting your physical and mental health because you're people can't be trusted based on the fact your own father couldn't be trusted to support you. You think the first time you ask for help someone is going to disappoint you or leave you so it's best to do it all alone. That being supported is weak and that micromanaging is life, controlling everything is possible until those blows add up and you finally have a serious break down whether is be mentally or physically i.e. a panic attack or heart attack.
On Pardon This Interruption my weekly Tuesdays 8PM Facebook livestream on the Author Vie Ciné Facebook Page I have been detailing and deconstructing relationships healthy and unhealthy that causes us to run in circles of abuse. Whether we are abusing ourselves or allowing other people to abuse us. Yes, at times we do allow people to abuse us. We may not ask for abuse but how we allow people to treat us is an indicator of us accepting abuse. This is not to state that we purposely like to be abused on some masochist tip but from the direct link of how we were treated as child and what messages we internalized.
In a blog post I wrote a few months back titled Piece By Piece, Ode To Daddy I covered Kelly Clarkson's song Piece By Piece. The subject matter had to do with the rejection she faced by her biological father not being in her life. I brought it back to how the absence of a father affects all aspects of a girl's life especially when it comes to her value as a woman and the selection of men she chooses i.e. girl number one AND girl number 2. With deeply ingrained trauma like this it's best if possible for both parties and if both parties are willing is to have a heart to heart breakthrough. I won't promise that the breakthrough will be significant or that feelings will be cared for. But what I can promise is a closing of a chapter and a step towards healing. I personally have gone through this chapter in my life. Although I knew my father her and he wasn't technically absent in the traditional term but he wasn't stable nor was he supportive. This left me to be girl number 2 growing up and I had residue of girl number 1 while dating in my late teens early 20s. I cannot tell you the amount of toxic people I gave my love be, energy, motivation, time etc to just to have it desecrated. It hurt deeply. But I bounced back and learned every time more about me and the love I was giving I had not instilled in me first and thus why these men felt it was okay to take my love for granted. It was up for grabs when it should have been earned and only given with show and proof after I have embedded it in me first. Yes, they get seconds and I should have gotten first. There's an excellent quote regarding to this dynamic that I will post below.
It took me several times to understand this quote and roughly a year to fully grasp the meaning behind it.
To conclude this post, I'll end it with this: We do not get to choose this life, how we come into this life, who we are kinship with or how we were raised. But we get to choose what life we want to live. We we give our time to. Who we love. We get to create new chapters, rewrite the last and throw away the rest. Our past are clear indicators of our futures but we can always take a detour and switch onto another path. Life is what WE make of it regardless of how we came into it. Be the best version of yourself by mastering yourself. And as always . . .
On this platform we speak about sexual assault, mental health and healing. If at any other time you felt isolated and thought you couldn't speak about your truth know that here is that platform to Speak Up. Speak Out. Speak Truth. If you need to speak to someone who knows sexual violence and mental health disorders contact me for a private one on one conversation with me. I answer questions, give advise and provide coaching. Want to get started now? Click the picture above or HERE.
If you Missed Last Week's Blog: The Art Of Healing: I Write Because . . . . .
Follow: vieis_me Instagram page for snippets from Tuesday's livestreams at 8pm eastern on Facebook Page Author Vie Ciné where we discuss whatever you want to. No subject is off topic from sexual trauma, mental health, celebrities, politics etc.
Miss the last livestream? Click HERE to watch the replay.
Follow: MEMOIRSOFAFORGOTTENCHILD Instagram page for exclusive reads from and updates for MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD ebook. The most recent book trailer part 35 I discuss a little bit of my Jehovah Winess childhood years and how two brothers tried to manipulate me into going to their hotel room. Watch the book trailer HERE.
I'll leave you with a personal quote of mine, "It's imperative that these acts of wrongdoings do not continue unchecked for it is our children who pay the highest cost." - Vie Ciné
As Iyanla Vanzant says, "I am not my sister's keep, I am my sister."
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