Yes, I'm back for another blog, I haven't blogged in awhile but today I want to touch on a specific topic, generational trauma. I've made a blog about this before titled: Who Molested The Molester where I spoke about generational trauma and how sexual trauma can be passed down like a family memorabilia. Last month I made a video where I spoke about father daughter relationships and how a father's bad behavior towards women will fall on his daughter to pay. The reasoning behind this is the saying that goes, 'Men who have daughters are paying back for the maliciousness they've caused women.' As a daughter myself, I don't believe this saying applies to all men, however, I do believe for some men this saying is very true. It's not a surprise that many men who have a reputation for being players, pimps, womanizers, chauvinist, cheaters, liars etc have daughters who end up receiving the same treatment their father handed out to women. I'm not a genie or an expert on karma, but I do believe in karma. As Bob Marley had said, "What goes around, comes around."
If you read MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD, you know my father had eyes for MANY women and didn't care about faithfulness as much as he cared about 'doing him.' Not only was he disrespectful towards my mother but he was also misogynistic and had traits of chauvinism. When he finally left my mother when I was 9 months old without giving her a heads up, he moved on to continue his trail of leaving broken-hearted women. Fast forward to about two decades and a half, my father has three daughters. Two of dating age, one an elementary aged child and karma is collecting her payments. What do I mean by karma is collecting her payments? In my life and my sister's life we often find ourselves paying for our father's sins when it comes to the relationships outside of our nuclear families. We tend to run into a road block that has similar edges to a familiar person, our father.
No we don't have daddy issues or feel the uncontrollable need to jump on a pole and gyrate but we do find ourselves with men who have eerily similar traits like our father. One trait in particular is the personality of our father and that trait is embedded in trauma. I can't talk for my sister, so I'll talk for myself. With all my exs, everything begins good and ends up a bad blur. At first they seem like decent people. Young, ambitious, sincere Black men with the world at their feet. A couple weeks later they're my boyfriend and a few days after the real them shows up and the mask cracks. I'm not going to insult them or put all the blame on them but what I will do is a share a brief synopsis of how relationships usually occur, dissipate and how it ties back into my father.
My relationships literally occur and I just follow. I know that reads kind of confusing. In all of my dating history I can never say a relationship just naturally developed over time. They all started off like 'you're beautiful' then some flirting proceeds and in two weeks top we're dating. From that point on immense detail sharing of our lives are given in addition to our aspirations in life. Two of my exs knew I have a passion for writing. One actually was there to see my passion turn into an ebook. As with all things, it was perfect at first until the personalities of these men took over. Me being mesmerized by the initial meeting, I dismiss every crack in the illusion of who they pretend to be or I give way too many chances for a "do-over." For example, my last relationship the first red flag was him disrespecting my boundaries. He was the type of man who liked doing and saying small disrespectful comments to see how far can he go. The first time he called me a bitch I dropped him. He begged to come see me and to apologize in person. He did apologize but not before I repeatedly told him his actions were uncalled for and I wouldn't tolerate it. That was one of MANY arguments that lasted the course of 6.5 draining months. During the dating process I actually blogged and vlogged about our conflicts without specifically naming him or why I was creating the content. From what I gathered, I broke off things with him officially 5.5 months too late because his minor flaws became glacier sized flaws that I addressed way too late and was left wondering why I didn't say anything when they happened or why I continued to entertain his behavior.
To some degree I felt for my ex because of his childhood abuse of neglect and abandonment by his parents. He knew that and pulled at my heart strings shattering them while holding no accountability for his behavior as a grown 27 year old man. It baffled me how eerily similar my ex and father are. They legit had the same digits in their phone numbers except 1 number off. Their mannerism are the same. They have the same pitiful puppy dog eye stare. The same lack of accountability. The same lack of remorse. The same victimization sob story. The same manipulation tactics. The same cheating and lying patterns. For both my father and my ex I wanted to proof to them I was submissive and loyal. Unlike all the other people who turned their backs on them, I was patient enough to work with them on their personal issues. In the case with my ex, I believed with a long drawn out conversation, ground rules, and support to fix the relationship things would get better. They got worse. Now out of the relationships with both my ex and my father I can see how deeply rooted their disdain yet lust for women took over their lives. As I typically did I dusted off my psychology degree, using it to psychologically unpack their mentality and I not only discovered that they were broken men playing dress up in functional grown men bodies but how I typically responded to these men that enabling their behaviors trying to play Miss Fix It because no one tried to "Fix Me" as a child when I was hurting.
My father's childhood was almost identical to mine. His abuse was primarily at the hands of his mother. He grew to resent is mother but couldn't express his resentment so he took out his psychological schisms on women. My ex's origins into the world was sex, violence, and turmoil. As a grown man his life embodies sex, violence, and turmoil yet he cannot see the correlation. Manipulation and suppressed feelings is how he survived tremendous amount of abuse (as he said) and although the perpetrator of his abuse was his father, there is some resentment by him because his mother didn't protect him. That he had to play protector for her and she still didn't draw her loyalty with him. So as you see both men have a love/hate relationship with women and they go out into the world recreating the trauma they endured whether consciously or unconsciously (I believe consciously without remorse like a psychopath). I inherited the sins of my father who is still going through his issues being a functional alcoholic with insomnia. Through his actions he lost two daughters (Me and my dating age sister). Ironically, my ex who ended up getting his side chick pregnant in our relationship is having a baby girl (I have a feeling the baby is going to be a baby girl}. And all the ills he had put me through and other women (including his baby's mother), his daughter will have to pay for them. As for me, I learned to forgive because I didn't want to stay bitter and be mad about the situation. If I could have held on to being pissed at my ex and move on, I probably would hold on to hating him but because I know two opposite things cannot occupy the same time and space I knew one had to go so I decided to forgive because I have to go on to do better things and being emotionally tied down to "A thug ass nigga who likes to fuck bitches" wasn't going to let me be great.
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Be Blessed. Be Enlightened. Be Loved. ✌🏿