Personalities Of Personality Disorders
So, I know y'all are saying damn Vie, how many personality disorders you're going to cover? You did Narcissism, last week Psychopathy, now Borderline Personality Disorder? What's really good? Since I talk about healing in this channel, it's only necessary to explore aspects of trauma and how they shape us. The interesting thing with personality disorders is that I've had experiences with people who suffer with personality disorders. From my experiences, it would only be right that I share them with you all because whether you have a personality disorder or not, you'll be well equipped with dealing with people who suffer from them. Borderline Personality Disorder is categorized as "A serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days. Some people with BPD also have high rates of co-occurring mental disorders, such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and eating disorders, along with substance abuse, self-harm, suicidal thinking and behaviors, and suicide." Some people like to think of it as extreme bipolar and when people speak on bipolar and its symptoms often times without knowing they are describing BPD.
Introduction To Ian
Let us begin, so when I was 17 I dated a guy who had Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll share with you bits and pieces of this relationship because that religion is a crazy book in itself. Ian and I's relationship started unusual. Something out of a television show, so that should have been a clue to NOT engage in a relationship. For a good week I curved him stating I was NOT interested and that I don't know him. He begged, he pleaded, he hounded me down, he charmed me then I said, "Fine" (side note, if you agree to date someone because they pursued you hard and your answer is fine, that means you shouldn't date them. Fine is what you say when people ask you a question you don't want to elaborate on). At first he was charming, writing poetry, and super attentive. We spent hours talking to each other. We had an instant spark and within weeks it engulfed us. Soon as the mask started chipping I noticed small lies that I checked. He'd always have an excuse. One example of this, just for shits and giggles I copied a portion of his poetry and lo and behold, I see on the google search engine word for one what Ian sent me. Infuriated I reiterated that his poems her plagiarism.
Ian tells me no, it's not, he didn't steal them. He writes poetry and his friend copied him and posted them under his name. I wasn't buying it but I didn't want to push it because I didn't want to be perceived as the controlling girlfriend or crazy girlfriend. Eventually I let things go so much so that within the first month he cheated. Granted he disclosed that her wasn't the boyfriend type but wanted to try his best with me because "I was different." Plus, the last girl he dated end up cheating or taking him for granted so filling that void with reckless sex made him feel whole. My feelings weren't heavily invested so I wasn't crushed. I let him go. He told be about his cheating then asked if I would be upset if he pursued her. I was a tad bit hurt, but the heart wants what it wants so I let it be. He asked to be "friends" I candidly said "NO." He whined and complained about how much I have influenced his life and that he couldn't see himself without me being in his life. As much as I didn't want any more contact with him, I agreed to be amicable (ladies, take note. NEVER agree to something to make someone else happy. Be true to yourself first and foremost). I had only one rule, to not tell me about the girl. He agreed. Our conversations grew to become stall and surface level. In less than a week he came back to me asking if he could be back in my life. Meaning he dropped the chick, I was still a little peeved so I responded to keep him in arms length. In a short amount of time we were both in a relationship again. Fast forward shall we?
Suicide & Black Eyes
The red flag that was written in red spelling out red flag wasn't when he got a girl pregnant (before we meant) but when we kept making up and making up and his suicidal lifestyle. Ian lived a high risk life. He was a drag races and alcoholic. I mean blackout alcoholic and if mad he's punch himself into unconscious. Yes, you read that correctly, Ian would use him lifestyle to provoke empathy from me especially if I'm ready to leave him. It was like Romeo and Juliet but twisted and suicidal. I remember one time he said he'd kill himself before letting me go. He had a big issue around abandonment. I remember another time where he blacked out and woke up in the hospital. I was texting him for several hours into 48 hours and his sister responds back and tells me he was found in his apartment unconscious. Suicide was often used as a method to keep me emotionally invested in him to the point that I skipped Spring semester of college to move in with him. He yanked me around until finally he tells me that that's not going to happen. Our arguments got so heated that I would cry for hours after. When I say it was a rollercoaster of a relationship, the Superman ride on Six Flags New England had NOTHING on that. I would cry as if I was grieving a lost in the family and even though he was the worst person for me at the time, I kept believing because I put so much time and energy into "making it work" that I had to stick it out (watch out for that ladies, no amount of time with someone should justify staying in a dysfunctional relationship). Because Ian knew so much about me it was easy for him to manipulate said emotions. For example, we swore up and down that we'd get married and soon after have kids. We wanted a big family. We spent practically half of the time (if we weren't arguing) painting our future together. Because he had suffered abuse really young and so did I we bonded from that promising we'd be better parents to our children.
Ian loved to brag about is sexcapades and the woman he'd been involved with or wish to be involved with. He would tell me stories about a time where he broke a chick's headboard by having rough sex with her. He also exposed that he'd jump out of windows before to avoid being caught by some female's family member after loud and wild sex. To me, it felt like he was trying to throw sex in my face as a way for me to think he'd be a stud and I should be honored to have sex with him or to let me know that his sex game is immaculate and if I didn't play my part, I'd be rejected while he moved on to the next. I was a virgin at the time. I believed eventually I would "give it up" (as if my hymen was a trophy of some sorts) to Ian. I felt more incline to do so when he boasted about these adventures. Being good with keep up charades, I didn't speak of my disgust for his memory lane stories, I allowed him to carry on. Ian had the biggest crush on Selena Gomez. He practically groveled at any image of her and told me flat out that she was his crush. She was the perfect girl for him. Not only did that piss me off but it made me feel invalid. If you've seen me and you saw Selena Gomez, we look absolutely NOTHING alike. To me, I was a placeholder for his lust for Selena which infuriated me but I kept my silence. When I did speak up about his lusting Ian would project so much of his bad behavior onto me. He'd get so angry that we'd end up in shouting matches were we'd cross the boundaries. When angry he'd go back to self harming, bashing his face in, cutting, get intoxicated, or hop in his care to drift. The first time he called me a bitch, I checked him letting him know I wasn't the one. But somewhere between intimacy I'd allow it. To the point my brain rewired intimacy as abusive and I liked it. Fast forward some more
Is It Just Me, Or. . . ?
I was 18 and in therapy when my therapist Taneisha asked how well did I know Ian. I looked at her with fixated eyes as to say, 'don't talk about my man.' Her question was indeed valid but no one could tell me about Ian. I was deeply falling down a perceived bottomless hole. Regardless of how painful and hurtful it was I wasn't trying to allow anyone to give me awareness of its crazy. I responded that I knew Ian very well. I read her off the list of things Ian told me about himself. I don't know if it was out of low self-esteem, desperation to be loved, or nativity but it never crossed my mind that Ian could be lying about his whole existence. TO Taneisha it did and because I knew it, I made a conscious choice to keep him out of the topic of discussion to keep her from pulling me up from the fall. Whenever I voiced to Ian about conflicts I had about how up and down we were, like maybe we weren't meant to be together or that he kept doing things to hurt me, Ian would assume that I was trying to get back at him or that I had another man. He went as far to say he'd kill this so call other man. At the time, I thought it was endearing along with passionate that Ian would take someone else's life for my affection. His paranoia states were more dangerous than his anger stages because that's when his risk of harming turned outward. It wasn't just that he wanted to hurt himself, it turned into he wanted to hurt me for what he believed I did to hurt him. I found myself begging and apologizing for things I didn't do just to keep peace. I remember once crying so hard that I finished a box of freshly opened Kleenex’s to the point that I needed another box. I became a former shell of myself restricting my words, my actions, my thoughts to appease Ian who wouldn't do the same for me. In fact, he loved the subservience and demanded more. More is what I gave him. Fast forward to the ending
Escaping The Pits Of Hell
I had decided that the relationship, regardless of how tumultuous and damaging it was, I couldn't leave him. He had a magnetic pull over me. I could break up with him and he'd still call and text me like crazy, eventually breaking my no contact policy. When he broke up with me I reflected the same method. I reflected off of him. I knew it was wrong and that every opportunity to leave was a blessing but I just couldn’t go and when I did I kept coming back. I felt like a failure because I knew better. I watched enough movies, memorized enough scenes from televisions, recited enough songs, hell I was a psych major to not know that the relationship need to end and that Ian was playing me left and right. When Ian confessed that he has BPD and narcissism, diagnosed by his therapist (something I had to force him to do for months) I should have ran for the hills. Instead, I stayed letting him know that I would be there for him through thick and through. Although we were not married, even though he said he bought the ring but never showed me it nor did I forced the issue, I wanted him to know I was a "ride or die." To me I thought he was putting effort into changing, he was showing "progress" and seeing me happy about him going to therapy became a manipulative tool. With the information I was learning in my psychology courses, I should have at least searched a bit about what I signed myself onto, but nope, I just believed. Love was all Ian needed . . . and medication that he hardly took and when he did it was with alcohol.
About a little less than two years, I admitted to myself that I had to leave Ian. I didn't guilt trip myself or beat up on myself, I allowed myself to go through want I needed to because eventually what has to happen will happen. Finally, I found the courage to leave Ian, but it wasn't by my choice. Ian and I got into the last explosive argument about who know what. I was used to him flipping out on me for any little thing but this time I left my fucks at the door. He was going in on me, I was going in him then finally he says something extremely personal just to push my boundaries. To get a reaction and see how far he could trample on my feelings without me saying anything. I then said, "And that's why you were molested. He returns it with, "That's why you were molested too." I knew then and there we could never go back. Those words couldn't be taken back from me and damn sure not from him. I finished with. "Yeah, I think it's over." He apologizes and fakes sincerity but I wasn't having it this time. I ignored his futile attempts to woo me and makes excuses for his actions. I hung up and blocked his phone number. I did this method before but this time I didn't bother looking at the blocked texts or give myself time from him to then go back to the toxic relationship. I let it be.
Side Effect Of Codependency Break Ups
The college I attended was an evening college, it was geared towards working adults. I spent the better winter months sleeping the day away in depression. When the holidays came around and there weren't any classes going on I'd sleep at 3 or 5 o'clock in the morning to wake up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon. It got so bad that once I literally slept the day away and when I woke up it was 5 o'clock in the afternoon and I was still tired. No one new I was depressed. My therapist understood I was depressed but not to the lengths of suicide or the reoccurring feelings and thoughts of emptiness and hopelessness. I didn't care anymore about anything. I redirected my energy into pretending like everything was okay than actually king sure that it was. Whenever my mother would ask, "Where's Ian?" I would ignore her because the pain was deep and she was too malicious to comprehend. Dropping out of school wasn't an option. Last thing I wanted was for my family to think I'm a habitual fuck up, plus I already took out loans to go to school, so there was no sense of dropping out then. Slowly I was able to pull myself out from the funk. A few months after the break up, I decided to go natural. Something about women's nature that whenever we go through something we take it out on our hair follicles. I didn't big chop because I didn't have the courage or self-esteem so I opted to transition. I also choose to unplug from the outside world by being more extraverted and digging into 90s era art. I wasn't watching the latest television shows (except for a few like Jersey Shore). I wasn't listening to current music. I lost contact with my friends months if not a few years back. No one could grasp the mind fuck I went through and I was too embarrassed to admit that I allowed a practical stranger to screw with me for almost two months. At this time, I was 19 and I was no longer in therapy. I felt like Taneisha wasn't a good therapist she was there to collect her rate from my insurance company and she looked at me as a charity case. I internalized and kept my pain secure for years. I think the first time I even acknowledged how much that relationship broke me is now in this blog post. Trust, for a high risk relationship like this one that lasted almost two years, this is the polished and condensed version. I might go into more details about it in the future but for now, this is as much as I'll get into it.
So this is Borderline Personality Disorder and how it manifests in a relationship. Now this isn't all intimate relationships that involve a person with Borderline Personality Disorder but this is my truth. I'm not saying don't date someone with a personality disorder, but what I am saying is KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO. Let the red flags and side notes resonate with you because it could save you or someone you know from getting too involved with people who have personality disorders. I will also add medication with proper therapy aids people living with Borderline Personality Disorder. Those two supporters can better manage their symptoms and live a normal existence but there is a lot of rockiness before that happened, if they know that are suffering from BPD.
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