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I Was In Love With A Psychopath

October 30, 2016

 

Introduction To Ace

 

I know you read the title and was flabbergasted. You probably pictured Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, or even Michael Myers. Yes, they're all psychopaths but not all all psychopaths kill. 1 in 25 people are psychopaths and the higher in food chain you are in management, the more likely you are to interact with psychopaths. Psychopathy is a personality disorder. Meaning it's hardwired into the person and they cannot be cured. Psychopathy is a mixture of genetics and environment. To know if you're a psychopath you have to take Psychopathy Checklist or Hare Psychopathy Checklist -Revised. The scale of a psychopath is from 25 to 40. 40 obviously meaning the highest level of psychopathy. So how did I end up falling head over heels for a psychopath? When I met him obviously I didn't know he was a psychopath. We passed each other once a week and didn't say a word, he was very very captivating though. He mastered the ability to get the attention from people without demanding it or being a nuisance to receive it. He had a natural charisma about himself. I on the other hand stuck to my headphones and music. I'm not a talkative person unless we've bonded on something and during that period, I was there to get the info and jet. About four weeks in, I introduced myself as an author to a small group because I thought it would be a wonderful idea to meet likeminded Black individuals who have goals in life, especially after hearing about entrepreneurship regarding information technology.

 

I exchanged cards with a few people and then as usual, I was on my way to jetting until Ace asks me if I needed a ride. I declined because I knew my routine and I kind of have that stranger danger paranoia about myself even though I'm way passed elementary age. He affirmed it wasn't a problem. We got into his beemer and rode off. To make things easier on Ace I told him to drive to the nearest T station. He agreed. He drew up conversation and I engaged with him because that's the least I could do. Making our way to the T he asked me where I live and I answered in a 'well duh' manner because the first week of meeting we happened to be seated next to each other and we shared a few words. I told him where I'm from and he replied in approval stating "If I lived in (blank) I would always be in the Coop." In the car I reminded him of that conversation. He smiled and added he was on his way there that he could drop me off at home. I asked if he was sure about it because I didn't want to take him off his schedule as well as I like my mystique. I didn't know him and from skewed lenses a dread head, blunt smoking, jays wearing, beemer driving guy wasn't someone I wanted to know where I live. He confirmed it wouldn't be an issue and we took the longest ride to (blank).

 

In the beemer we spoke a lot about a lot. I did most of the talking which I hardly ever do with someone I first meet. I'm more of the observer than anything but it felt right. We spoke about his business related to hair. When he said hair it made my perceived connotations of him quiet down because hair is a big business and from his anti-establishment views I knew working cooperate did not allow him the fortitude to buy that beemer. As the blunt smoke existed out the window I made a face of rejection. Since high school I haven't seen a blunt. He read my face and apologized for his habit stating he smoked from time to time and was shocked as an author I didn't spoke. He believed that I should be a smoker because writers are creative. I dismissed his comments. He massed by Blue Hill Ave, passed a home I remembered during my rebellious teenage phase where I could have gotten shot and most likely died. I explained the story and the perps who supposedly did the crime. I quoted it as "Gangster." He slightly enraged trying to keep calm counter argued that it wasn't gangster to pull up on bikes to a stoop around midnight to then unload a gun on residents. Seeing I wasn't in the mood to argue I dropped it. I shared my entrepreneur goals in life. Who I wanted to be as a self made Black woman author. How I couldn't see myself dying for a 9-5 that could give a damn less about me to scrape up retirement after 40 years and realize that it's not enough to survive after 65. I didn't want to feel incomplete like I didn't live but existed. He flattered each idea of mine and confirmed every thought. I made a little joke about the Joker and Harley Quinn about how Ace and I were rebels to the status quo. He kissed my hand that sealed the deal for a whirlwind of psychopathy and codependency. I regretted making that joke because we became just as much dysfunctional and tumultuous as those two.

 

Love & Mind Fuck

 

The love bombing phase lasted for about two or three weeks. Love bombing is when the psychopath is giving you so much affection and attention. They are flattering you up and doing nice things, saying the right things, being the "perfect" person. They literally bomb you with so much energy of relatedness that you come to think that this is fate and this person is "the one for you." He took interest in my blog and vlog. He shared resources in the Boston area that could help me promote MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD ebook as well as Harvard student lawyers who could establish my business entity for free. Ace gave me useful tips and tricks to direct traffic as well as critique the appearance of www.vieisme.com. Ace's involvement in my goals in combination with his Alpha male exterior was intoxicating. The love bomb was so strong that I began picking up on his lingo and using it in my sentences. It becomes like an emotional high and you can't get enough. When in love or infatuation the same neurotransmitters in the brain light up like a literal drug high, dopamine. So after long phone calls that lasted night to morning, kicking it, upbringing (mostly on my part), and being the larger part of each other's routine came the down from the high. It started in small increments. He didn't threaten me, yet. We would disagree about the smallest things and you would think I insulted his life. Anything that was contrary to his beliefs caused him to get very angry, the 'Hood Boston accent came out heavy like he was exerting fighting words. Words to legit spill from the phone receiver and kick my ass.

 

The first sign that I knew things weren't good between us was his lack of commitment. I'm the type of person that you have to stand on your square. Mean what you say, say what you mean. I hate flip floppers with a passion. He would make excuses for why he didn't do what he said he was going to do or why he wasn't as accessible as he was just a week ago. But of course with easy justification on his part and little investigation on my part we smoothed passed it. Another red flag was his secretive life as well as his obvious lying. For example: He was born in 1989. That would make him 27. I'm not a mathematician but I knew his addition was wrong, but that wasn't the issue. Like, how do you not know you age, matter a fact, why do you lie about it? I didn't want to come off as annoying so I dropped it, rationalizing maybe he didn't keep up with birthdays or he was eager for his next and got confused. Me being on social media, I utilize it to promote my blogs, vlogs, book, and whatever else so it's essential nonetheless. I asked him if he had a social media account to which he replied yes but he doesn't use it. Me being nosey, I search his name and his nickname and found him. I rely my findings to in turn get a remedial answer as to why he has it but won't add me as a friend. I'm not one of those stalker online friends or one who snoops through all your pictures or comments on every post. In fact, I'm pleasant. Again he gave a nonsensical answer. I didn't push it because we weren't together at the time and it wasn't a big issue, so I thought. 

 

When Ace said, "Love me with your head, not your mind," I thought he must be one of those 'trust issues' people. I was hurt not because he had trust issues but I had fallen for him and like the elderly women in the commercial, I couldn't get up. I thought he was dissing me and I felt used. He explains that he's complicated and that his lifestyle was complicated and he didn't want to hurt me nor did he was to danger me. At the time it was like riddles that meant something I couldn't solve. I didn't ask what he meant by his lifestyle, danger, or "Love me with your head, not your mind." I took it for what it was and moved on trying to maintain his validation of me. I didn't want to be the lame he thought I was because I wasn't the typical 23 year old drinking, partying, smoking, sexing, and just going along to fit in. The second intensive blow up we had was about lord knows what but I remember him calling me a bitch. I was so taken aback mixed with disgust that I sent him a novel of a text to inform him that he might have been used to calling other women bitches, but I wasn't the one. He sincerely apologized and begged for forgiveness. At that point I was irked and didn't want anything to do with Ace. He was sounded disturbed by his actions after I knocked some R.E.S.P.E.C.T into him. Later I found out that because psychopaths lack the ability to relate and empathize with people they don't know if they're doing or saying something to hurt you. I'm assuming with some women they are used to him calling them bitches and others are codependents (we'll get into that further down the blog) so they don't stand up for themselves. Psychopaths have to feel around for emotions because they lack empathy. Look at it like this, when it comes to psychopaths and emotions they are blind in a dark room searching for an object called humane. From interactions they learn the social cues and master it from observation but never full internalize it so they wouldn't have to play pretend for the rest of their lives. Ace assumed that type of behavior would be tolerated, testing my boundaries to see what he could get away with and I shut that shit down.

 

Ace pleaded to come over and talk to me in person. I turned him down each and every time he asked. He asked about 40 some odd times in a 40 minute phone conversation and finally said yes to shut him up. In about 30 minute he showed up and sincerely apologized, so I thought. I couldn't look at him, my arms crossed staring out the passenger side window I wanted nothing to do with him, yet I was there. In his car, somewhat still happy he showed up. He asked me to look at him and I looked in his direction yet avoided eye contact. He asked, "You can't look at me?" in almost a childlike voice drench in guilt. He has away with either saying a lot or saying nothing with just his eyes. They say eyes are the window to a person's soul. I don't think Ace had a soul but had pre-drawn emotional displays. In his eyes I stared into them searching for something, something that would make me believe he wouldn't snap at me again. I didn't find it but I saw he could go from blank stare, childlike shame, and manipulative smirk in a matter of seconds. Of course I thought all this was normal for a guy who had such as hard upbringing and at the time I didn't label those facial expressions as such. It was Ace being Ace. He revealed to me that he's done some immoral things in his past and not only that, he enjoyed it. This revelation should have made me want to run to the hills but I didn't. If anything, I spilled more empathy into him because for someone to have been raised in a hostile environment and turn into the product of his environment, it made me want to empathize with him. I remember asking him at 2:00 in the morning, "Are you a psychopath." And with his most Oscar winning act he answered, "I don't know." Slightly startled I asked another question and he replied, "You make me feel human." "You look at me different. You don't think I'm a monster." Not knowing what a psychopath was at the time besides the Hollywood exaggeration, I didn't know he admitted to not having emotions and being psychopathic when a few minutes prior he answered I don't know to my question about him being a psychopath. Now knowing psychopaths delight in empathy and can mirror emotions like an actor, I realize that he probably knew he was/is a psychopath but didn't care.

 

Promises Broken, Your Fault 

 

Let's fast forward some shall we? The first time Ace threatened me, it was graduation night. Long story absolutely short, my father bailed on me without the courtesy of letting me beforehand. I legit had to stalk him and then he shots he a text with a pathetic excuse as to why he wasn't coming. The next best thing was Ace. I texted him him, "My father ain't shit." In seconds he calls me to ask me "What's happening" in his 'Hood Boston accent. I give him my distress small violin filibuster about my father not showing up to my graduation. He says, "I'll be there." Not going to lie, I was elated. But I reminded him he told me he was going to be MIA for awhile due to him running the streets. He said, "Just text me the address" ignoring my comments. He asked me where was I. I replied was he going to come get me. Our conversations became petty and interrogation like. We would always try to get on to conceded first, that was usually me though. To avoid a pointless combative run around, I remarked "The mall." He asked why. I replied in a 'well duh' manner stating I needed to get a purse for graduation where else would I go. Something as innocent as sarcasm could set him off. He'd get extremely angered and go into a rant. It was like my words needed to be carefully strung together because if not, I could set off a landmine, often times I did without knowing. Always, I had to me the bigger person and apologize for things I felt I shouldn't have yet continuously found myself doing just that. Psychopaths love to control their target. They are never wrong yet highly sensitive. Accountability and rational doesn't live in them. They love bringing chaos into the mix because if thy can derail you from making them accountable by switching the topic of conversation or blaming you, it allows them to continue without fault. They're very grandiose, and their ego and sense of worth is bigger than Jupiter. I used to say to Ace, "Because you think something, you believe it is so." "You always do the same thing you accuse me of but never take accountability for it." He'd always respond, "I react to what you do." Or if I stood on not apologizing he'd project and stating, "You have a problem with apologizing." "You're arrogant." Anyway he could try to break the esteem in self.

 

Graduation day was a blissful beginning. I looked very elegant and sexy/sophisticated I titled the look. I don't dress up typically but when I do I make it beautiful. Time was sneaking up on me and the plan was I would meet my aunt at Ashmont and then we'd get on the 12 Bat Bus to Brockton then catch the 1 to get to the restaurant graduation was being held at. I had high heel light peach heels that were tearing into the Achilles tendon. But some how I made it and I was the first person at the restaurant. My aunt caught the holy spirit too long or she intentionally delayed coming so I arrived dolo. Besides the Professor, his family, and the employees I was there. I didn't expect to arrive that early but it was either be early or not show up and since I paid a nonrefundable $100 for 2 people, I might as well show up early. My aunt blew up my phone to explain herself but I wasn't interested in hearing her excuse. To me standing on your square is everything and she didn't. Nuff said. But I blew up Ace's phone to make sure he was coming. People poured in gradually filling up the assign seating. Graduating began late with music and speeches. I looked at the schedule and notice it was going to be a long event but also I didn't want to not have pictures for when I get my diploma. 30 minutes in everyone who was supposed to be there was there, except my guest. Ace dodging my calls but responded to my texts. I asked again and again if he was coming to which he callously taunted me, using gaslighting words to make me feel as if I'm overreacting. "Chill fool." "You're too sensitive." "Calm down you're crazy."

 

Annoyed and on the brink of a meltdown I kept my composure. I get a text from Ace that explained he was at the bar. I replied for him to come to the sitting area. I have a seat for him. He declined and said he preferred the bar. Pissed off because I felt out of place and neglected seeing how everyone had family and friends while I was by my lonesome I followed the agenda as the Professor called the different IT groups to get their diplomas. I was in IT repair so when I heard us being announced I went down to the stage area with some of my classmates but the overall crowd were people I never saw before. My name was called and I faked a smile and took my picture with the Professor's wife while grabbing my diploma. After everyone's name was called we took several group pictures to where the class clowns made it a point to be humorous. At that time, I needed a laugh and a drink. We make it back to our seat and a guest of someone else's at the table I sat at congratulated me. I thanked her. I sat impatiently waiting for the ceremony to be over so I could go home. I was anything but excited and wanted the night to be over. During a quick break I headed to the bar to find Ace. He was there with the class clowns drinking and having a good time. I didn't want to burst his bubble or give off the air that something was wrong. I showed him my diploma and asked him to get me a drink. Seeing my purse was too small for my wallet I didn't bring cash. He said he would but completely ignored actually telling the bartender. So I asked the bartender, she said she would but was overwhelmed with guests. Waiting around for 10 minutes to be served, a butch woman spoke up and said, "She's been waiting for a drink . . . " letting the bartender know that she has skipped over me for other patrons. She then turns to me and apologizes, I wasn't upset at her so I accepted. I asked for a lemonade. I asked if it was sour and she replied no. I asked her how much and she said it was free. I walked off with my drink back to the festivities to find it was dinner being served. I got in line to where I was bombarded by a short and his younger version. The man was a father who had no shame trying to put me on to his son. I respectfully decline his forged reunion and got myself a plate. I walked back to my seat scarfed down my food in peace. I texted Ace asking would he drop me off at Ashmont since he was making moves soon. He texted back he had to go to Lawrence and couldn't do it plus he had beef in Ashmont and didn't want to be there. I texted him back and told him Ashmont isn't that far and that all he had to do was pull up at the T and I would get out. That didn't even take a minute. Ace texted back with excuses in hand I was tired of the night. Tired of my heels. Tired of excuses. Tired of disappointments so I left, passing him by the bar to exit. I called an Uber to come get me. 10 minutes later a sketchy van approached and asked, "Uber?" "Yeah" I confirmed and I hoped in. He was a Haitian Uber driver from the radio station he had on. I took my heels off and exhaled deep knowing my feel were good for at least 20 minutes. Ace blew up my phone with calls and text messages asking where did I go. I ignored each one. Matter-a-fact I turned my phone off to signify I was done for the day. 

 

I wake up and turn my phone on to receive dozens of missed calls and several text messages. I read one that said, "I swear I hate you." In a 'no fucks given mood.' I replied, "Good now you don't have to put up with me." That opened the flood gates to all times of venom hurling on both sides. He picked at me and I picked at him. His psychopathy kicked in because all the insensitive and traumatic things I told him he skillfully texted them back as insults. Since there wasn't any barrier between us, I picked at his trauma stating, "At least my father loved me enough that he wouldn't let me walk around with holes in my shoes." That set Ace off to the point of no return, he became impulsively sadistic. He threatened to get his female minions to come after be to which I replied I know where he lives, his number, and other specific intel on him. If something happens to me, it will trace back to him. Somehow someway we were able to patch things up, so I thought and a few days later he tells me his female minions saw his text messages and they were planning to come see me. From Ace's glib about who he was in the streets and what he's done these females were one hair strand of evidence away from doing double sentences. Outraged, I remarked how did they see your phone. You purposely allowed them access to it to because there's no way that they happen to stumble upon it. He lies up a shit storm to where he excuses himself from fault and says, "I don't know. They feel like you disrespected me and they don't like that." Reminding him that I was his woman and that I don't get involved in seedy behavior I can always call the police. His response was, "They don't care." He had the ability to get emotions out of my like poking a vein and I was overflowing with emotions. He loved the control factor without using violence most of the time. It was for the most part his words and the intent or disingenuous tone in his words. Psychopaths have the meticulous ability to con you into and out of just about anything simply by the gab.

 

Cracks Of The Mask

 

Ace and I's relationship was dysfunctional but we made it work. Always there was something in me that said to leave him. Since our first verbal lashing I wanted to leave him because I hated who I became. I hated how dependent I became. How much his words could make or break me. How he could read me and like a child everything on my mind, I confessed. Everything that my exposed, he read them and memorized them. I was a codependent without realizing it. The person who the psychopath targets and showers with fake love and chaos is the codependent. That person becomes isolated from friends and family and solely focuses on the relationship with the psychopaths. Thus making the psychopath the source for all her (or his) need, especially emotional. Since psychopaths lack emotions it's like hitting a dead wall hoping it will eventually fall down. He'll get better like the first time you met him. The charm will come back but it won't. That was a facade and you're head over heels for the representative, not the real him. I remember times where that voice inside my head, my conscious, was telling me to leave him. You don't need him and somehow I just couldn't. Now Ace wasn't unattractive but he was far from GQ. He wasn't Usher's washboard abs. He wasn't tall like Lebron but I just had to have him. Like a spell I had to have him. These inner conflicts played themselves out in the relationship because I constantly found myself making up and breaking up with him. I knew inevitably I was going to break up with him and stand on it but for the time being when things got too hectic I had to go. The last thing I wanted to do was be stuck in a relationship that I couldn't leave. I remember asking Ace, why was he attracted to me and he replied, superficial answers. They didn't differentiate from the last time I asked but it never sat right with me, his answers. "Because you're smart, you're an author, you're natural, you're beautiful . . . " His answers had no substance, they were like reading a profile description off of Tinder or something. It lacked significance, sincerity, he didn't care. At the time couldn't lay my finger on it. 

 

The first test of his or maybe the first test I realized from Ace was when he asked me to have his baby. Yes, to have his baby. I declined I spent 24 years curving raw penis and I didn't want to be the latest Black woman who fit the narrative and statistic about being yet again another single mother. I obviously told him no. He didn't like that answer. He told me that I would be a great mother and he would take care of me. I stood firm on no, I was (and still) struggling to get a base that likes my written content enough to purchase it. I have student loans piling with interest, I wasn't stable the way I wish to be and the last thing I needed was a baby I couldn't give anything but struggle and poverty. He reassured me that I was different from the other women he knew. That I wasn't a hoodrat or had desires to leech off the government that I had goals and was independent. His words meant nothing to me because there was NO WAY I was going to have a baby, particularly by a man who didn't value me. I constantly had to regurgitate that I needed him to respect me and now he was telling me I should have his baby. I recalled a conversation we had where he told me if he ever got a woman pregnant he would, "Take care of it." I thought abortion, he flipped out on me and said he'd "Raise it." If he didn't like the mother he'd even take her to court and file for full custody by way of his lawyers and he'd make sure the child would never see the mother, especially if the mother wasn't financially stable. He remarked that he'd me there to help me so that scenario wouldn't apply to us. I still answered no. Disappointed, he dropped it, so I thought.

 

A few days later he tells me the DA was after him and he was caught up in a drug bust. That he had to jump out of a window on some action thriller stunt shit. That he was looking at 30 years and he really needed me to have his baby. Stunned by the news I couldn't process. Between drug bust, 30 years, and baby I didn't know what to ask about first. Ace tells me that he doesn't want to get locked in and not have a baby. Weighing his dilemma, I told him I'd think about it. I thought and cried (which I have been doing a lot since meeting Ace), I cried some more and I reasoned that I would have to get married first if I was going to have his baby. He agreed. I also said I would have to see paperwork and meet with his lawyers and people who was setting up due to him not being able to provide for them. There was one woman in particular, El. El was a woman who Ace grew up with and she has been down with him since day 1. Since she took experienced trauma has relied on Ace for most of her existence. Though Ace used her for sexual gratification, she accepted part of him rather than none of him. Knowing Ace had relationships in the past, she had no problem playing side chick. For the most part that was their relationship. Ace admitted to sleeping with over 200 women in his lifetime. I was disgusted and he was bruised by my reaction. To him 200 women wasn't a badge of honor yet he spoke about it like he won 1st place. Psychopaths have high sex drive and live high risk lives since they're prone to boredom. The chaos gives them excitement and through sex they are able to feel connectedness. Not emotions, but something. The most important request I made before becoming possible Baby Mama was for him to get an AIDS test. I did not play with my sexual health and the last thing I needed as an incurable STD. Ace approved all of my requests.

 

It was up to me to find the hotel room. I asked if he was going to pay. Since he was caking up in the trap house and buying designer gear it only made sense for him to pay for the baby making session. He said he only had cash and that he didn't have cards in his name. peeved I looked into it. I picked out a hotel not too far from where I live. Something in me told me to not book it. I saved the page but didn't book. I told Ace about the hotel and he wanted something else. So I searched for other hotels. I found a few but I didn’t book. We scheduled for Saturday to consummate the decision. With all the red tape I requested above none were actually accomplished on Ace's part so I felt that I had no need to book the hotel. During a Thursday in July Ace calls me and we get into yet another trivial fight about nothing and he interrogates me as if to demand if I'm "down." I tell him I am but I need him not to pressure me. He then tells me he's currently being dragged by the police along with a few other members to jail. He harassed me to feed him more empathy or to "ride out" with him. I was overwhelmed with my own issues that I told Ace, "I just can't. I can't do this." I hung up. He calls me back within 10 minutes to tell me, "I knew you weren't real." "I knew you weren't going to have my back." Not in the mood to argue I let him have it. I routinely found myself biting my tongue and "letting him have it." He hung up on me and I felt guilt so I sent him another novel of a book in texts. Whenever I couldn't get through to Ace I resorted to texts. I'm great at writing and not so great at speaking. I might miss a point or forget to thoroughly elaborate events that took place. Ace hated when I did that because my memory is sharp and he had to acknowledge his role in the dysfunction. It's not easy to redirect the flow of texts like it is with speaking. 

 

He comes over that night and apologizes saying it was stress and asking me if I was still going to go through with having his baby. I really wanted to please Ace but I couldn't. I just could not have a baby especially a pity baby for a man I wasn't sure about. What would me mother think? What would I tell my family? I don't want to be one of those young struggling mothers on the MBTA who at the least couldn't get pregnant by a guy with a car. Ace's response, "You know what that is?" Holding the palm of his hand to my abdominal. "It's your womb, you're a wombman." He goes into this "Pro Black" rhetoric about having children and how great it is for women. I heard him but I couldn't I could NOT see myself pushing a stroller. Tears fell from my eyes and I answered. "I'm sorry but I can't." Ace remarks, "Don't say that. You can." Then with that manipulative facial expression, eyes glistening he says, "It's okay." "I'll ask El." I responded, "I thought she couldn't have babies." "You told me . . ." Ace simply replies, "Yeah but you won't do it." Tired of the constant triangulation of him throwing women in my face, especially El, I let it go. I jokingly said, I wish we could run away.

 

Ace responded, "Let's okay." "

Me: Really?"

Ace: "Yeah go upstairs and grab a bag and we can leave tonight."

Me: "Where?" "Maine?"

Ace: "Anywhere."

Me: "What about your mom?" (His mother is the trigger word like his Achilles heel. His eyes always deflect when talking about her and his expression changes to doe eyed sad child).

Ace: "She'll be okay."

Me: "What if we get caught."

Ace: "You'll probably do prison to, maybe 50 years."

Me: "What about my book?"

Ace: "What about it?"

Me: "It's coming out soon?"

Ace: "You're right." 

 

More tears slide down my face and he watches them in delight. He doesn't laugh but he watches intensely with a half smirk. He wipes a few away and I ask for a tissue. He hands me a white tee shirt in the back seat. I wipe my tears and blow my nose on it. He takes the shirt back and I keep crying. Ace uses his hand to dry some of the wetness from my face but overall he didn't relate. Tears was foreign to him. I remember asking him if he cried to which he always answered, "No." "Never," I pushed the question. "No" he confirmed. He pulled me in for a hug. It was 7 in the morning and we spent all night in his car talking about it "case." sunrise was approaching and he told me he had to go while checking the time on his phone. He always checked the time on his phone like he always had somewhere to be. He said our final goodbyes. And I began to exit his car. "Don't go," Ace says. I turn around and he's expression changes like the blink of an eye from childlike/concern to that manipulative expression. I reached in to hug him. "He smirks and says, "I mean you have to go." Somehow Ace was able to magically get out of doing a 30 year bid due to his psychopathic father and his connections. Now he was a minion of his father who Ace describes is the devil. "You know all the things you like about me? I get them from my mother." "All the things you don't like; I get them from my father." Part of me always knew the DA 30 year drug bust was a lie. I googled drug busts and none happened in his area. I looked for stories related to drugs and none happened. I googled his name and street name, nothing came up. I knew he was lying but I let him lie.

 

Thin Line Between . . . 

 

Let's keep on with this fast forward, we broke up again. This time him with me. We came over the night before and I felt disrespected and left. He got upset and drove off. I spent the better part of a Sunday worrying about him. Matter-a-fact I always spent my days worried about him. Hoping he wasn't death or behind prison bars. But this time it was different, I worried but not about him but about us, me. I texted him twice within a 4-5 hour time gap. He didn't respond. I called him thinking it would go to voicemail. He asked, "What are you doing?" I asked him, "What he was doing." He says a smart remark. I answered his question by stating, "I'm doing what you're doing." He laughs and says "Doubt it." The awkward conversation lacked luster. He then proceeds to cut to the chase and told me, "I've moved on . . . I'm going to move on with El." My heart sunken but I didn't want to show it. Like a chastised child I replied, "Okay." "Okay." "Okay." We hung up. Like a leaking faucet I cried. For the better part of the week I spent my time refocusing my mind onto me and what I want to do with my life and career. On Wednesday I went to Emerson to see Angela Davis give a phenomenal speech. I stayed from the beginning to then end and then hopped the T back hope. Soon as I open the door my phone rings and its Ace. I didn't expect to hear from him and I picked up regressing back to being like a chastised child. He tells me that he wants to make things work but has precautions about it. He flips the script to start giving demands. Ace always hated my standards, but had no problem setting his expectations. Because I missed him I agreed to them but without a fight I added my expectations as well. I always wished we could get on the same page and it seemed like this time around we were. He asked me to come over his place and he'd meet me there since he was in Lawrence. I told him come get me or come over tonight and he cane talk more. Ace then gives a reasoning for why that wasn't possible and told me we would soon talk about things. We planned a weekend getaway of sorts before hanging up. But when Thursday rolled around no call from Ace. When Friday came along, nothing from Ace. Saturday came and I got a call from Ace. I didn't want to spazz on him so I let him explain his absence. He asked me how I was doing. I answered, "Okay." He then says, "You know how we wanted to be together and get married?" "Yeah," I answered hesitantly. "I don't think that's going to happen." "Why," I asked. "Because El’s pregnant." You couldn't shoot me with a bullet and hurt me like those words did. I didn't say a word. Ace explains how this happened. When he found out. What he thinks etc. I said nothing. He was hoping I would jump in, yet I said nothing. "So why are you so quiet?" "I have nothing to say," I replied. "Why not?" That is a question he asked just to get under my skin. No response is ever good enough for his Why not? "I don't know," I answered. "Why not?" "I don't know; I have nothing to say." He asks again and I was getting annoyed. My brain was stuck in buffering I had a few words but they weren't in sentences. He was searching the empathy that I did not have. Ace asked me to say something. I responded, "I have to decompress and think about it." You would have sworn I threatened his mother because Ace went into a tirade. Accusing me of abandoning him and judging him. I didn't feed into it. He hung up.

 

I spent about a month castrating his ego with words a psychopath could feel. I expelled all the experiences and words he's ever done and how foolish I was to believe in him. He read those texts and simply responded, "You're being cruel right now. I hope one day we can talk about this." He had no desire to ask for forgiveness or admit fault. It wasn't until I pointed out that he never said that he was sorry is when he tried to act like that was the first word the came out his mouth. "You're bitter and mad" but I understand I told me once. I couldn't deal with the emotional turmoil and yet I said we could work it out. I said therapy is a must. To which he said he would but I needed to pick it out because he's not good at the at sort of thing. I looked a few up that I thought would be good for us. Since knowing Ace I have always wanted him to go to therapy. He always found a way to deflect from that conversation of turn it around on me and tell me I need therapy. That I was anti-social and I still was traumatized by my past. I ignored his antics at the time thinking he was just resisting change, not realizing psychopaths hate accountability and gaslighting, projecting, lying, manipulation is all about of their existence. We agreed we need to sit down and talk about him entering fatherhood without me. Every time when we were supposed to meet we didn't. Something happened on his part and we didn't. The realization that he got El pregnant for the 2 time just griped me and every time I swore I moved on from the disclosure I really couldn't. It was the biggest betrayal and I viewed him differently. He was lower than scum and I couldn't forgive him. I kept texting him about how much he hurt me and I couldn't move on. He would call and ask for forgiveness. Every time I would say yes, then change my answer to no. It was internal conflict that I knew I had to exit and leave him alone but part of me just couldn't. One Sunday he asked for me to leave him alone. To not text him, call him or anything just stop contacting him. I obliged. He called me hours later and I ignored it. He called a few times throughout the week. I made a deal with myself to not contact him or buy into him contacting me. Let him be alone for a week I told myself. On a Wednesday Ace called and I picked up. His voice changed from concern and even though I didn’t know he was a psychopath at the time, I knew he faked sincerity at times. That was one of those times. He asked how I was doing and I said, "Good." Ace asked if I wanted to go to Maine. I have never been to Maine so the part of me that was excited to travel wanted to go. The common sense little voice inside my head said NO. I replied, "No." He said, "Okay" in a voice that could make you go awe. I didn't want to be sucked into it because I knew it was game. "I'll talk to you later" he said and I replied, "Okay." We hung up. Minutes later I texted him, "If you still want my company I'm willing to go to Maine with you." He didn't reply. I went to sleep. Ace calls to days later. I asked if he went to Maine, he replied no. I told him about my text, he replies, "Maybe next time." 

 

The Ending . . . At Least I Think

 

If you made it this far, YOU. ARE. A. TROOPER! As above, so is below, I will fast forward some parts and conclude this whirlwind 7 months of drama. A couple weeks ago during Ace trying to win me back he called me around 4:00 AM. I picked the phone up groggy. He answers and ask me to be with him. I replied, "No." I meant it. In a regressive childlike voice, he says, "You're hurting me." My empathy chip flickered but not enough for me to reverse my decision. He starts diving into his secretive childhood that he avoided talking about like the plague. He tells me he's the product of a rape. He was raised by the system. His father didn't care. Now being on this blog you know rape is a very touchy subject for me. I don't use the word loosely. In my tired sleep by eyes poke open in shock at Ace's late night confessions. I listened sharply trying to capture everything he said. I quizzed him on some of the things he said in the past with what he was revealing now. 1 question I new for a fact if he failed this, he was lying about everything. "What's your mother's name." "Marie," he answered. What's your mother's name (blank) I answered. In my mind I said,” He’s lying." He asked if I could come over to talk. I asked what's his address. "(blank) remember?" I said "So you're still at your old place I thought you moved out and El is going to move in there?" He said he hasn't done that yet. I told him it's 4:00 in the morning, he has a car. What do I look like hoping out of bed to go see you? You come see me. Ace hating responsibility said he'll come. I said, "Okay, I'll be waiting." "In the morning," he adds. "So what you're not coming now?" I remarked. "No, I'm coming just in the morning 7:00." Slightly ticked but he proved my nonreciprocal point, I let it go. We hung up. I spent the better part of the night trying to piece in this information about Ace with the few I had previously. 

 

I woke up, it was around 8. Somehow I knew Ace wasn't coming. My intentions were to wait for him to call or I was going to wait until 12 to then point of his lack of reciprocation as well as him being a liar. I called him around 10:00, I got ahead of myself and couldn't wait. He didn't pick up. I went into another room and left my phone on the bed. At the time I was listening to Solange's Don't Touch My Hair and Cranes In The Sky. Those songs just relaxed my soul and was healing it at the same time. Ace was calling me but I couldn't here. I return back to my room to find several miss calls. I call back. He answers in an inquisitive manner. I didn't say anything about anything. I let him speak. He senses there's unspoken hostility between us and asks about it. Cutting down on the passive aggressiveness, I went for the kill. "So you're not coming?" He says, "Yeah I will." I mentioned he just said less than five minutes ago he was going to meet with cousins to watch football. Ace turns the conversation into me rejecting his invite to meet his family to watch a sport I cared nothing for than to admit he renegaded on a verbal agreement. I didn't care too much to go into a back and forth. I was past that 50% mark of wanting things to work out to even go into a debate with Ace. We hang up.

 

Ace calls me and we have a really good conversation. He tells me that he's panning a romantic day for us. Excited because Ace never does anything romantic period, I couldn't wait. Just for confirmation I asked him if what he told me the week before about his mother was that accurate. He answered, "Yes" but the way he said it was forceful like heat was rising from him. I asked about his upbringing and the fact that he told me he was raised by his mother in poverty and his father was well to do but neglected them. He tells me that all that is true. He was in and out of juvenile detention as well as group homes and if he wasn't in them he was with his mother. That's where he met El and ever since then he's been taking care of them both. Feeling that Ace was borderline explosive I dropped it. He quickly rushes our departure to end the phone call. I had a feeling he was mad but I didn't know how mad. I call him on Tuesday hoping he was asleep and forgot to call me to start our romantic day. He answers the phone but the call dropped. He calls back and is aggressively spazzing on the phone simultaneously trying to keep his composure. Basically he was upset that I questioned him. He made it a point to say it was the very last time he wanted to make things work with me and he was done. Flabbergasted I had no response. He hung up. I went to texting apologizing and I KNEW I wasn't in the wrong. But I didn't want the burden of shame for something I knew wasn't my fault. Being the bigger person I acquiesced. Ace calls me back to go in on me some more and this time he wanted me to feel his hurt by throwing I was molested and he made sure to know he kept tabs on our conversation to tell me TWICE. I also knew he remembered the fight after graduation when I said the only reason why got back together because he didn't touch the mushroom bomb of a comment meaning bringing up I was molested. So I knew he said that out of spite, out of being sadistic, because he's a psychopath. My feelings for Ace evaporated and I was running on empty. 

 

I attempted to explain that my ex used to lie about everything and that's why I needed to double check out what he said. Ace wasn't hearing it. He was totally outraged that I questioned him. That I had the nerve to see if he was legit or not. He mentioned the fact that he never questioned me about being molested and that me asking a secretive person who has the propensity if he's lying is a bad thing. When Ace was going in on me it reminded me of my ex Ian. Ian and Ace were the same people. Give or take they acted the same. They thought the same. Except I knew what Ian's problem was, he was clinically diagnosed as borderline personality disorder and narcissism. Ace on the other hand, was a street nigga with immaculate business strategy but plagued by his past. We bonded because of our desire for more in life through business and because we understood trauma all too well. As certain as I was about seeing through an Ian number 2. I never thought that I could walk right into another personality disorder and not realize that A. It's dysfunctional and B. It's eerily similar. I thought if I were to meet someone like Ian they would say I have Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Psychopathy. As a student of psychology, I should have known better but I didn't. Given that Ian was my reference sheet I compared and contrasted between Ace and Ian. I eventually told Ace he's a narcissist to which he replied, "What's the definition." I read it off of my memory. In classic narcissistic fashion Ace denied that he had narcissism and projected on to me that I had some of the traits also.

 

Out the blue Ace calls to tell me he's on his way. In the middle of a pedicure I asked, "When." He replied, "Now." I said let me get ready first before you come. Out the shower I see missed calls and I call them back. Ace picks up annoyed. I reiterate I just came out the shower. He whines about wanting to leave and I tell me to go. After lotioning myself and picking out a comfortable outfit I make my way out to meet Ace in his car. Ace is dressed urban casual with his dreads tired back. He makes mentioned of my glasses I got new ones. We get to embracing. The thing about kissing Ace that he's insecure about is that he likes passion in his kissing. Lack emotions will show up outside of relating to other human's experiences. When kissing Ace, it's like "hard kissing" but no feeling behind it. It just friction but no drive. He knows that and so did I but I never said anything. We get to talking. Ace tried to make things go as usual but I wasn't with it. I wasn't with the charades. I wasn't with the back and forth. I knew the ending was near because I didn't care about us. I always already gearing myself up for the empty phase after a break up. Somehow we got into an argument about something trivial. I recall now, it was about Paint Your Truth event I have scheduled for sexual assault survivors in the Massachusetts area. He asked me how that was going and I said "Good." Somewhere between that and me saying "You don't care about what I do." Ace turns into the Hulk and gets offended. He starts barking about things he's done for me yet couldn't name them. He then asks me what has he done for me, I told him "SCORE which I already knew about but let you speak about it." "You’re so arrogant," he spits out. Flabbergasted my jaw dropped. I did know about SCORE before he spoke about it. I knew of SCORE since March but because I didn't want to come off as a know it all in his care, I didn't interject. He asked me if he ever asked me for anything. I didn't say anything because his tone frightened me as well as I didn't know if to was rhetorical. "Uhm" he antagonized. "A baby I replied." Ace tries to rationalize it by saying, "I wanted to build with you. I wanted to have a legacy with you." All words I spoke when he told me he was having a baby with El. He mirrored and memorized what I said just to throw it back at me to his defense. I didn't say anything. He tells me to pull my hands out. I obey. Ace reaches into his left waistband and pulls out a long shiny object from it's case. Ace puts a blade that looks like its for cooking but could be used for anything else in my hands.

 

Ace: "You said some malicious things. Why do you say malicious thing?"

Me: "I don't know I was just mad."

Ace: "Because you're mad you think it's okay to hurt me?"

Me: "No. I was just reacting," I answered genuinely and fearfully.

Ace: "You hurt my feelings." 

Me: "I know, I'm sorry." I needed him to understand that I was indeed apologetic for the things I had said so he wouldn't ultimately kill me in his car.

Ace: "You said malicious things and I said some malicious things. Why do we do that to each other? We need to stop saying those things to each other" he demanded. I quietly agreed.

Me: "Do you still want to go to therapy?"

Ace: "No," he dismissively answered.

 

Remind you the malicious things I said were about a month ago and we both settled to let bygones be bygones but psychopaths a callous and cunning. Psychopaths will wait for the perfect opportunity for revenge. They will act like everything is all good to then snap on you if they're violent. 

 

"Do you know how many bodies are on that?" Ace asks. Scared shitless I spoke softly and carefully, "No." "If you were to guess, how many do you think." As he's demonstrating control and authority his personality switches fluidly like liquid. He perks up and the cadence in his tone was strong and slightly psychotic like Heath Ledger. What frightened me above all is his personality. The same thing that initially drew me in could be the death of me. I replied, "More than three." "Yeah more than three," he responded in agreeance.

 

Ace: "Do you know my name in the streets?"

I flashed back to a time where Ace came to see me where I was feed up with him and he confessed acts that I could never forget hearing. He told me that not only was he in a gang but he involved himself in immoral acts. From those immoral acts he got the name, an euphemism for death. Startled was an understatement. I was paranoid after hearing them. The same look of crazy he had then was the same look he gave me now. I repeated the name (blank).

 

Ace: "Yeah" (As he nodded his headed in approval.)

Ace: "Do you know why I kill them?"

Me: "Because they did something?"

Ace: "No." "Try again."

Me: "Because you can."

Ace: "You're so smart."

Ace: "Do you remember what I am?"

Me: "Monserrat."

Ace: "No."

Me: "Cuban"

Ace: "Yeah."

 

"Do you say things you don't mean," Ace asked.

Me: "No,"

Ace: "So if I told you to kill him, you'll do it." Ace was pointing to nothing but I replied, "No."

Ace: "But I thought you like the Joker."

Me: "I do but . . . " "But What?"

Me: "That's not in me.

Ace: "What if he's a Neo-Nazi or something?"

Me: "I don't kill people just because. If they were attacking me . . ." Ace cuts me off, "Were you lying to me then?"

Me: "No I stated honestly."

Ace: "Do you want to still learn how to shoot a gun?" "No, I answered truthfully." "Why not?" he asked in a tone like a pesky kids.

Me: "I don't know." He takes the knife out my hand and secures it back into his waistband.

 

I was relief because I didn't want and DNA of mines to be attached to that weaponry. Ace whispers into my right ear and tell me, "When I come act like you're happy to see me." He asked to cuddle, cuddle I did. I asked him does he ever think about killing me? He replied, "All the time." "Really?" I asked in amazement. "Yeah." "I think about taking two screw drivers to your eyes." "I think bout stabbing you." "I think about shooting you." I was shocked. I asked why hasn't he done it. He answered because I couldn't do this and he proceeds to kissing my forehead and hands. He ends up massaging my right foot saying, "It could be like this everyday." Within a three hour period I realized I couldn't make rationalize for this man. He was obviously deeply damaged and heavily psychopathic. I didn't want to be around if he ever got the deserve to kill me. I didn't want to try to make things work out or communicate our issues to a brick wall. The red flags were apparent and I couldn't miss them anymore. He was selfish, charming, nonreciprocal, predatory, a horny ball, and psychopathic. Can't miss that part. After all the things I've been through with Ace, I look back to see if maybe I knew what a psychopath was I could have saw his signs and curved him. After all it was his personality that drew me in and his personality that eventually drew me out. I remember meeting his mother unintentionally. She stared at me. A light skin Cuban woman with piercing eyes like her son, excerpt her eyes had flames they were lightly lit but they were there. She stared at me like she wanted to tell me something but couldn't like she was afraid for me or maybe for herself. Something in those woman's eyes like she seen something that were unspeakable still to this day haunt me. Maybe she wanted to warn me about her son but couldn't. Maybe she wanted me to leave him alone. Maybe she wanted to be set free like me. Whatever the case was, I have left Ace to do what Ace does because like in card game 21, he can flip flop between being 1 or 11 different version of 1 and I didn't want to be there when he became a deadly 1.

 

Purchase MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD now on Amazon Kindle: HERE or in the STORE page.

 

Be Entertained. Be Enlightened. Be Loved. ✌🏿​

 

 

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Emotional Wellness: Paint Your Truth 11.17.18

November 8, 2018

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