I debated about making this blog post because this is personal, but since my life is literally an open book, I really have no reason to be coy. I have been in two narcissistic relationships. And if I really categorize my relationships most had an element of narcissism and egotistical tendencies. If you know anything about narcs, you know that there's a target and that target is called a co-dependent. It's a person that the narc feeds off of and that person usually plays the empathetic, loving, caring, supportive role. Sounds nice right? Wrong! The narc sees this and uses that person for everything s/he is worth to get off. What do I mean by get off? I mean if it's a sexual control the narc will use conversations and desires to control the person to get what s/he wants. For example, say the targeted desires love, the narc will fake behaviors of love to get sex and act as if s/he truly is in love and sex is just an expression when in reality a narc is not capable of healthy love because they cannot reciprocate emotions. They are the best pretenders like actors. Everything is for the benefit of the narc, and they will do whatever to get it.
Now, I don't want you to think that narcs are sexual predators because most narcs aren't and sex isn't the real goal. The goal is control and chaos above all. A narc is great at reading people well and finding that unsuspecting co-dependent person. For example, you'll meet a narc and s/he will be perfect. S/he will draw you in with a conversation about similarities. The narc will 'feel around' the conversation to assume things about you. Let's say you have natural hair, a good assumption would be you're into a holistic living, or you know about Black history. From those clues and getting a correct response, s/he will direct the conversation to make the co-dependent feel as if their meeting was destiny because they instantaneously met each other and they are compatible on all levels. A couple more intense conversations or 'feel good' outings and you're hooked. Soon as the narc knows you're hooked then comes the downhill drama.
A narc feeds on energy like a Vampire feeds on blood. In both parasites, they cannot exist without the target because they, themselves are useless. What they host on has the power, but the host doesn't recognize it because they're focused on giving to the parasite who will never reciprocate and in fact just continue to take more and more. Why is a narcissist a narcissist? A narcissist isn't born to be a parasite. Narcissism in its true definition is a personality disorder. Meaning it's embedded in their origin, meaning something happened to them early on in their lives, something traumatic that shaped their experience and thus created the narc we know today. This trauma could be as intense as child abuse, and from that abuse, the child learns to protect their core essence because of how the inflicted trauma had hurt them and the narc they are today rings true of that pain. The narc's sole purpose is to create a facade to keep their ego safe from potentially getting hurt again, but because unhealed trauma has a sick existence about itself, the narc inflicts the same trauma that s/he has experienced. This is where we get the chaos and co-dependent.
The chaos will come in by small increments, small things that always build to bigger things. For example, the narc will lie, and you'll catch the lie and point it out, the narc will flip the script and get so upset and bewildered that you brought it up and make you think perhaps you were wrong for bringing the lie up or maybe you misconstrued what was said. The narc has a way of avoiding accountability and deflecting. That's the chaos, sucking your positivity and turning it into a negative but it's always you, never them. As a co-dependent, you will always try to rationalize. "Find the good in him or her." "Keep hope alive" by helping the narc to change, but eventually all your efforts will go to waste because a narc cannot see the errors of his or her ways. The narc is blinded by their egos, trauma and their agendas they cannot grasp there's a problem. They would rather draw you in and keep the issues going by deflecting, excusing, or flat out threaten to leave you to have the upper hand in control. If you ever gain the confidence to leave, they will remind you of that initial meeting and how great it was. After all, s/he loves you, but it's not true. A narc is not capable of reciprocating healthy emotional balance because they thrive off of chaos.
One narc in particular that I know of, his existence is embedded in trauma. He is a product of rape, and he was raised in the system. He reunited with his mother and has a strong sense of protection for his mother and family. That's a red flag for him and getting violent to protect this unit can and will be a must; however, he has no problem inflicting harm to other people. Even someone who genuinely loves him. To a degree, he understands there's trauma and that trauma shapes him as the narc he is today. Any conversation about his mother regresses him into a childlike state. You can see his vulnerability in his eyes when speaking about his mother; he seeks comfort that his mother wasn't able to provide for him in other women. He loves women, contrary to popular beliefs, narcs do on some level want the comfort of a healthy loving relationship, they just don't have the tools to build one, and they see nothing wrong with the tools of dysfunction they do have. This narc loves women at yet at the same time has no respect for women. Women are to be used, and abuse to his discretion and manipulation is part of the process. He takes and feeds off of women's energy and expects to give nothing in return or will get irate if his meager efforts are not praised and if expectations and standards are required. His whole thing is 'I rather get before I get gotten,' but he has no concept of "every action has an equal or opposite reaction." Everything is everyone else's fault, and 'he's just the victim who reacts the way he knew how.'
It's even worse if the co-dependent who often than not has experienced trauma in their past as well shares their history with the narc because the narc will use the information against the co-dependent to stay and endure the mental and emotional abuse. The relationship will consume you that that's all you will focus on and in time that's all you talk about. The narc will either isolate you from your family, friends, or the things you take interest in by bringing so much drama to your footsteps or you will gravitate away from those mentioned above because you'll put so much energy to making the relationship work, chasing how it was in the beginning. The narc believes this type of treatment and relationship is the norm and will push on that belief to the co-dependent and soon s/he too will believe it until they are both mirroring the same types of behaviors. The co-dependent at times will feel like they cannot exist without the narc and in other times they need to run as far away from the narc as possible. Every interaction will feel draining like you lost the energy to continue with the day. You will begin to distrust yourself and definitely the narc. You will begin to exhibit the same traits the narc has and may begin to manipulate as well or bargain for change. These conflicting thoughts and experiences are the glue that keeps the chaos going and the narc loves it. The narc will contribute to the dysfunction by cheating, threats (sometimes violence), lying, using, taking money, sexual exploits, confusion, etc. Because the co-dependent wants the relationship to survive so badly, because the co-dependent sees "potential" in the narc the dysfunction will continue, but in fact, the narc will never see the need to change. They will do whatever in their power to give off the illusion of change or progress but will not. For a narc to truly change s/he would have to be aware of his or her actions and how detrimental it is to the partner and take accountability for such actions. After that, the narc would need to do extensive counseling and get to the root of their trauma and work on untangling the Genisis of their pain. Most narcs are too fragile and egotistical to do so, protecting the trauma is more important than freeing themselves from it, so they'd rather jump ship on the co-dependent and find a better unsuspecting co-dependent to start the whole masquerade again. For the co-dependent, they are left scared and probably will need counseling of their own to wash away the mental and emotional residue of a narc and find out why they were able to magnetize a narc to themselves in the first place and how to prevent it from happening again.
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Be Entertained. Be Enlightened. Be Loved. ✌🏿