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Does Love Hurt?

June 22, 2016

 

 

I've heard the phrases "love hurts" and "love isn't supposed to hurt" though I don't have the life experience to draw up multiple examples of either or I want to talk about this subject. Our first interaction with love was most likely than not our parents. Our love for our parents was safe. It felt good, it felt secure. It felt unconditional. From our parent's programming not just love but our beliefs, customs, personality, etc. shaped us, and though we love our parents dearly, their love is strictly maternal and/or paternal. We grow up to desire more connectivity with other people outside of our immediate family due to our hormones and curiosity. Usually the first "love" experience is some form of puppy love/infatuation. This occurs somewhere between middle school and high school. Based on that first experience and what our parents modeled for us, we seek something similar. You probably don't go and search for a man to beat you but if you saw your mother constantly being physically abused by your father, the seed of physical abuse is planted in your head whether you'll be the abused, abuser, or the change it is up to you and your awareness. (I'll explain that later.) 

 

Depending on what type of relationship we get into and who we share ourselves with determines if love hurts. Sometimes it isn't a physical torment. Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's self-inflicted. Emotional abuse has just as much of a great impact on someone as physical abuse. Words do really hurt regardless if there are sticks and stones involved. Have you ever heard someone explode on another person, and they ridicule that person through the filth? You, the person who isn't in the conversation have to hold your chest because how hurtful those words are. If you who the filibuster wasn't directed towards feels some type of way what makes you think the person who the list of insults was for doesn't feel ten times as hurt? The major difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse is the scaring and healing time. A physical scar can heal up in a matter of weeks but an emotional scar will last much longer and sometimes a lifetime if the victim doesn't deal with the trauma that came about from the emotional abuse. There's a Haitian saying that goes, "Bay kou bliye, pote mak sonje." Which means, the giver of the blow forgets, the bearer of the scar remembers. The same can be applied to emotional scars.

 

How do we self-inflict? Have you seen or befriended someone who had emotional disorders? For example, someone who's a cutter. A cutter is someone who can't find the words to express his or her emotions, so causing self mutilation is a release of some sorts. Kind of like the example above of a person flipping. I'm not advocating using your tongue as a weapon, but speaking what's on your mind is a release. Some cutters don't enjoy cutting and feel embarrass that cutting is their coping mechanism. The sensation of releasing emotional turmoil feels good so they continue to cut. On the other hand, some cutters don't want to ruffle the feather of others by speaking their truth so whatever conflict that's presented they internalize it and lash out on their skin. Cutters don't need to be in love or love to cut, every situation is different, and the reason for cutting is also different but what's consistent is the lack of words and the belief that their voice insignificant. 

 

So does love hurt or is love not supposed to hurt? I have to ask what is your definition of love? Because love isn't concrete, it's an emotion and people feel differently and express their feelings differently so it's only right for me to ask you what does love mean to you? Merriam-Webster defines love as:

 

a (1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) :  attraction based on sexual desire :  affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3):  affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b :  an assurance of affection <give her my love>
2:  warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3a:  the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love>b (1):  a beloved person:  darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
4a:  unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1):  the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2):  brotherly concern for others:  a person's adoration of God
5:  a god or personification of love
6:  an amorous episode:  love affair
7:  the sexual embrace:  copulation
:  a score of zero (as in tennis)
9: capitalized Christian Science:  god
at love
:  holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis
in love
:  inspired by affection

 

The consensus is that love is an emotional attachment filled with affection, passion, tenderness, admiration, devotion, etc. that may or may not be based in sexual desire by two or more people giving and taking from this source called love. Now with the dictionary's definition of love it appears to not hurt. But life, who we encounter and the lessons they bring may not be so clean cut to define. You may have all these adverbs to give to a particular person in the most purest way and they can defile it. Does that mean love hurts or love is bad? No, it means your love wasn't meant to be given to that person because they were not receptive or they couldn't respect your love. Or on the flip side giving your love to that person gave you the life lesson that love isn't for everyone and not everyone will value love or your love in the manner which you seek for it to be validated. But does love hurt? Depends, what does love mean to you and who are you giving your love to?

 

Be Entertained. Be Enlightened. Be Loved. ✌

 

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