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Nerdy Technical Difficulties (weekly recollection)

March 20, 2016



Sooo last week you read about my jungle travels on the MBTA to get to my first IT class. You know that Saturdays will be about IT and my recollection of what mess I had to go through and how this whole techy thing is working out for me. If you missed  last week's hell of a story, here's a link: Getting Nerdy With IT (weekly recollection). This week's recollection will be short because . . . well, you'll find out. Since last Saturday the MBTA took total control of the Red Line and inconvenienced me to the highest levels of pisstivity, I decided to wake up thirty minutes earlier than I planned on so I could curve the delays and detours. I got up at 9:48 AM on my own but my Note 4 alarm was set to wake me up at 10:00 AM but I took those extra 12 minutes to send and post excerpts from MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD on to social media. I was done by 10:05 and got washed up and dressed. By 11:15 AM I was strapping on my combat boots (I like to think of them as sophisticated Timbs.) I get to the subway and the train pulls up and I have a suspicious face like Gary Coleman. Why? Because I don't see Kendall Sq posted on the side of the train carts to indicate there will be interruptions aka shuttle busses, instead, I see Ashmont. Part of me is like stay on guard before you start assuming things; maybe they didn't change the signs because by now they expected people to be hip to detour.


I get on and the trains passes a few stations like any other normal day then we're pulling up to Kendall Sq and I'm jumping up and down in my head like Chirs Rock in BringThe Pain, full animation, finger pointing and all with the voice of the Jewish elderly guy in Coming To America saying "Ah-ha." The train stops at Kendall Sq and I watch the awaiting passengers and I'm like 'No no no no, see here my brotha . . .' in the voice of Oswald Bates from In Living Color. The doors open and some of the passengers inside the train walk off but not all; so I'm like 'umm,' full resting bitch face with a the stoic posture similar to SpongeBob SquarePants in the episode Jellyfishing. I'm not completely sure if I should get off or stay on but I'm like if they're not getting off why should I? In my head I said, 'Vie if this train turns around and you end up at Alewife or something I'm going to kick your ass' (remind you I'm talking to myself). The train continues to roll on and I'm like 'hmm,' maybe this train isn't being shuttled. I wanted to break out into happy dance but I couldn't be too sure. We passed Downtown Crossing and into South Station and I hear, "This is an Ashmont Train, Ashmont" and I'm like Yeeeees and I swear I could hear the heavens open and a soft melody of a harp play and even a baby angel wing . . . okay, I'm lying but I was relieved that there weren't any confusing and annoying route changes. The train pulls up to Ashmont and it's like 12:03 PM and it hits me, I'm like an hour early for class, maybe 30 minutes if they trolley arrives late. So I say to myself fuck, what are we (again I'm talking to myself) going to do? I respond like any other person who talks to themselves regularly, 'It's kind of cold out here and I was spoiled by last week's 70 degree, near 80 degree weather so I didn't dress accordingly to March but more so accordingly to late April/early May. Depending on when the trolley actually gets here if it's too cold we gon' be early and we can just wait it out in the classroom plus you forgot to read the notes on the train (the notes I've been taking from youtube videos for the past week about IT until my required book came in.) Fuck! I was supposed to read them while I was on the train. Damn! I'm waiting with a few other people on the low leveled platform for the trolley and we all look two shivers away from pneumonia and I hear a sound like someone is calling. Since I had no one awaiting my arrival at Ashmont, I paid no mind, plus it's Ashmont, there's always someone calling for someone.


The sound persists and I see two of the passengers waiting for the trolley walk towards the holler and I follow suit. Come to find out it's an MBTA worker informing us instead of a train shuttle to Ashmont/Braintree there will be a shuttle to Mattapan. In my head I'm like Kevin Hart in I'm A Grown Little Man, yelling 'JESUS CHRIST.' I get on the bus and search for my pocketbook the MBTA worker tells me no payment and I'm like "cool" in my Yo Gotti voice in the song Down In The DMs. I plop on the first seat I see which is reserved for the elderly, disabled, people with baby carriages etc. Usually I wouldn't sit in that section but I'm like fuck it. It's a shuttle. The ride there was smooth, the only strange thing was the dread head bus driver who honked his horn and some 20 something-year-old guy pulls up next to his window like a homeless person who trades off cleaning windows for change and I'm like 'umm . . . okay,' feeling my face imitate Waka Flocka. The guy I guess knew the dread head and had a message for him; soon as the traffic light hit green he drove off. The bus drove around designated areas to pick up passengers, I'm guessing they had to reroute around the train tracks because it would be a safety hazard to have a bus driving on the tracks (side note I swear we stopped at more stops than usual).


I'm like ten minutes away and I get a phone call. Part of me is wishing someone saw the promos of my book MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD or stumbled upon my YouTube channel VIEIS_ME and is calling to offer me an invite to speak about sexual abuse but then reality hits and I'm like it's probably wrong number or someone on some fuck shit. I answer, "Hello" kind of in a 'fuck you want voice' but not all the way dismissive. She answers "Hi, Vanessa . . ." "I'm like ten minutes away" I respond." "Yeah, we thought the electricity would be back on by ten . . ." So In my Too Short voice 'beatch,' "You knew this by 10:00 why in the fuck are you calling me at 12 something to tell me this while I'm ten minutes away knowing I travel the farthest? You should have told me before I got dressed and got on the bus. You wasted my time! (the most important thing to an entrepreneur is time, it's like crack to a crackhead, 'I just gotta have it!' Mos Def voice. I hung up. Class was canceled and I was already on the bus I could get off and get on the opposite side to take me back to Ashmont to get BACK on the Red Line to take me all the way BAAACK to the starting point OR I could just ride this one out and wait until the bus turns back towards Ashmont like 99.9% of the time. I went with the latter and tried readjusting my resting bitch face to no avail.


Finally, we get to Mattapan. I asked the driver is he going to turn back which he confirmed yes and I asked "Right away?" as to say 'I got shit to do and it doesn't include chilling on the bus for twenty minutes.' He tells me, yes, but he has to wait awhile for passengers. I'm like will it be quick? He informs me, yes and I'm like "Okay" in the tone of Chris from Everyone Hates Chris as if I really had another choice. The bus engine turns off while passengers get on and in five minutes it turns back on. In my head I'm like yaaas. As we drive back to Ashmont the bus stops at a particular stop and I'm like 'What the hell are you waiting for?' (Linkin Park voice). I see a man in a mobile wheelchair waiting for the bus as the driver uses his gears to change the bus steps into a lift. Something in my mind is like abort, Abort, ABORT! Quick, fast, and a hurry I get up while two other women sitting in the handicap section follow suit. We walk up the bus steps like a choreographed dance move and I find a seat at the top of the steps of the bus. The disabled man is locked into the selected area where the bus driver had to assist with pulling up the chair seats to securing his placement. Part of me felt bad like we all fled from this man as if he couldn't see us, what if he feels like we think he's diseased or something. Now, I'm playing psychoanalyst in my head, my empathy chip kicking into high gear.


In the Milton town zone a big guy sits right across from my chair aisle with his body turned to me and I'm like 'bruh, can you sit right.' He's gawking at me and I can feel it. Me being antisocial, securely plant my headphone buds in my ears hoping there would be no conversation that ensues. I see Ashmont bus drop off section and 'thank GOD. Let me get off this thing so I can get the fuck on.' I stand up swiftly checking my chair to make sure I don't leave anything behind. I habit really because I hardly ever do but the OCD in me is like you, must do it because out of all the gazillion days you've ridden the bus and never left anything behind, today could be the day you leave something behind. As always my chair was left blue as the other chairs and I slid in front of the overweight watcher. I scurried off the bus to get to the train platform because I definitely didn't want to miss the train by moving slow if there was a train already there. As I'm walking down the platform the train pulls up. Now in my head, I felt like I was pulling a Gisele catwalk because the timing was perfect like a well executed photoshoot but I'm pretty sure to anyone who might have been looking, I looked like the thousands of daily passengers who walk down the platform. I watched the train continue to stretch down the tracks, my peripheral vision I catch the Biggie Smalls-esq guy walking down the platform.


Part of me is like 'please don't come this way, please don't come this way, please don't come this way.' The train stops and the doors open. I get on the train and like most passengers I search to see who else is getting on the train and what do you know, gawker gets on the same cart as me just on the the other side. I see him searching for me; in my head I'm like 'shit shit shit shit shit' like that Dave Chappelle skit Holler Dating Service. I keep my vision direct while surfing through the Samsung Music dialer thingy ma bobber that never really gets my taste right. It's like every music station that plays the latest basic songs or throwbacks that were good the first three times of remembering their existences but by the seventh play you're like okay be gone now. The doors close and the train pulls off heading back towards Alewife. It's early afternoon, not even 1:00 so I knew the train was going to be packed with people touring the city or trying to get their liquor up. As the train packs up I map out my schedule of the things I need to get done like actually cracking the Mike Myer's IT book open, blogging, and promoting my book on social media. Around Salvin Hill Station the train gets tighter and you could barely see people who weren't in your direct view which was good for me because gawker could no longer gawk at me. By the time, the train arrives at Downtown Crossing where the majority of riders get off no matter the day because it's the city's hub for just about anything the city has to offer, I noticed big boneded got off too. The rest of the ride was steady but the weight of that Mike Myer's IT book reminded me I was four chapters behind with a slightly sore shoulder, great time to insert fuck my life right?

Be Entertained. Be Be Enlightened. Be Loved. ✌

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