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Tumultuous Relationships With Tumultuous Family Members

March 7, 2016

 

 

Now I know you're reading this and thinking about all of the animosity that you have towards your family members who you felt done you wrong and grinning at this blog post waiting for me to go in and be pour out my gripes to validate your issues with your relatives . . . OR you're like oh not me, I was one of 2.5 kids, a mother and a father who are and have been married for over 40 years, had a childhood pet dog named lacy and thrived in a suburb community with your pretty white fence. Congrats, you're the anomaly but neither one of these experiences will be the highlight of my blog. Now if you've read my book excerpts or bought my book MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD, shameless plug but not really, you'd know I didn't have the best relationship with my immediate or extended family, that's why my titled in called MEMOIRS OF A FORGOTTEN CHILD and not PERFECT LIFE. You would know that my family is a mixed bag of crazy and when I get to the third part of the book series (I just released one), you'll read how my perspective shifted. As a kid I felt like no one loved or cared for me, I was just left to my own vices and to blow in the wind. Adults were more concerned with their image and their personal gain, they could have gave a rat's ass less about me, a matter a fact I was a walking nuisance. My mother lost her affectionate touch when my father left her. My father left his protection post when digging between the heaven in women's thighs was more important than guarding mine. My aunt was (and still is) a walking hypocritical evil wicked witch of the saint-i-fied church. My uncle is a passive mediator between her and my mother with his own buried skeletons. My cousin and I were as close as step siblings. My blood siblings and I were (and still are) as close as step cousins. Reading the brief layout of my family, you understand why I called myself a walking nuisance.

 

At 23, I see them more or less the same EXCEPT I don't see myself as a helpless victim to be victimized like the saying goes (paraphrasing) you catch change people but you can change your environment and that's exactly what I've been doing. Now these people aren't as easy to remove like gloves, they're more like herpes. Just when you think you're over them and they've ceased popping up to leave painful blistering reminders, they show up uninvited at the worst times. Since Blistex hasn't invented a lip balm to prevent unwelcoming and harmful family members from intruding into your life, I've taken the opportunity to create an invisible force field around me and them. It's called loving them from afar. It's not a 100% fool proof but it works more times than it doesn't. Instead of leaving myself vulnerable to their antics and verbal attacks, I concentrate on my purpose and I slide reject call on my phone screen. Yes, as easy as 1, 2, 3 and they're gone. Overall I like my family and for the most part, I have forgiven them for what they've done and to be 100 what they will do because we all know, old habits die hard. I've forgiven them not because I feel bad for them or I have accepted their harsh treatment as good, it's more so for me to move on with my life and live it to the fullest. Me at 18 would have aggressively strung, colorful four letter adjectives for you if someone attempted to share this reasoning because I believed forgiveness was exonerating someone of ill actions thus making a the forgiver weak, but now I know forgiveness has nothing to do with the perpetrator but everything to do with you. It's a process like healing to fully understand because it's a foreign ideology to the common state of revenge. The examples they have set for themselves and the accomplishments or the lack thereof paints a clearer picture as to why they acted the way they did. Many events were malicious and the intent was to cause trauma, but looking deeper into it (me being a psych graduate) I realize they only used the tools that they knew and had been tested on them.

 

Did I mention I'm first generation Haitian American and they are straight from Haiti? Certain practices that are common and tolerated in Haiti to correct children's behavior in the U.S. would get any child removed ASAP from the home, DCF would have them on a blackballed list that says on the top DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE ANY CHILD TO xyz. At eleven I couldn't possibly understand why my mother made it a priority to run my life full of criticism and projection from hurt baggage, until I became older and realized that many children from her country don't make it to adulthood and that her father died when she was young, she didn't have the chance to see a father do right by his wife and children. I didn't understand why my father was so cold until I learned about his own childhood abuse and coping mechanisms stemming from it. I didn't understand why my uncle was so passive until I understood that he had his own guilt from his choice to be an absentee parent. For my aunt, well, I think she's simply a Bitter Betty filled with hate and who just feeds off of negative energy like a parasite but masks her true evil intentions behind "Jesus" and "GOD is good." You know, the typical Jekyll and Hyde Christian. As I get older, I can see things from different angles, again not pardoning anyone for any purposeful maltreatment towards me, past or present but I can understand the logic behind the decision making, kind of like "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." In this case, I would be Father GOD, and the one advocating on their behalf would be Jesus/maturity. For the most part, they were sincerely trying to do right by me but went all the wrong ways about it and for that I can let bygones be bygones BUT there still are boundaries and my index finger stays on reject call if need be.

Be Entertianed. Be Enlightend. Be Loved. ✌

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